Friday, August 19, 2011

Friday Funny: Please...Please Don't Eat That

As I stated in the first post, this blog has absolutely no direction whatsoever. It's going to be a hodgepodge of pretty much anything that comes to mind. That being said, as an ongoing series, I'm going to attempt to retell a funny story every Friday from the recesses of my memory. Now, I will go ahead and warn you ahead of time (especially Mom), some of these stories might be embarrassing. They might be teetering on the edge of innappropriate, but I will do my best to keep them as PG rated as possible, without losing the hilarious essence of the story. So, for those of you who haven't already heard these tales, don't think any less of me. And for those who have, just take them for what they're worth: a laugh at my, or my friends', expense. As Adrienne, my friends, and family know...I tend to retell the same stories quite a bit.

So, here's this week's Friday Funny...

Memorial Day weekend has always been one of my favorite times of the year. It's the unofficial start of summer, and with summer comes one of my favorite pasttimes...Boating. Throughout my college years, a group of friends and I would always try to put together a camping trip at Kentucky Lake to ring in the summer on the right note. We'd go to Wal-Mart and spend $100 on chips, bread, and lunch meat to feed us for three days, and we'd always pick up some hamburger meat and hot dogs so we could at least have one hot meal. You see, being a bunch of broke college kids, budget was a huge factor in our decision-making. Besides, we had to have enough left over for beer. Which, in some cases, was more important than food.

So, Memorial Day weekend 2009, myself, my friends DJ, Stan, Jason Harrington and his girlfriend met up with another group of friends to camp at King Creek Resort on Kentucky Lake. Now, don't let the word "resort" fool you. This was far from a resort. For a comparison...Let's say a "resort" is a gated community in the suburbs, and King Creek is a trailer park. That's what we're talking about here.

Our campsite wasn't even a campsite...It was a small patch of grass with nothing but an old oak tree standing over the top of us. No picnic table. No fire pit. Nothing. Our tents were just a few feet from the water, and unfortunately, just a few feet away from the biggest mosquito infestation this side of the Everglades I've ever seen. I mean, it was ridiculous. We went through about three cans of Off! Deep Woods...We needed something that was just pure deet. It was miserable. But, at least we only had to walk 400 yards to the bath house. Plus, we got it for a great price. Free. Beggars can't be choosers, I suppose. You get the idea of our location from this picture of my friend DJ and his lovely hat:

So, Saturday rolled around and we awoke to beautiful weather and a few hundred mosquito bites. We spent a great day on the water...Soaking up some rays, drinking beer, listening to music...Everything that embodies the spirit of summer.  It was a a great day on the water.

So that brings me to the real story.  For those of you that have had the privilege of meeting my friend Stan, you already know.  For those that haven't...Let me just say, you're missing out.  He's an interesting person because at one moment he can be the life of the party, and the other he can be sipping a glass of Metamucil and going to bed at 9:30.  We called him Dad because he acted twice his age much of the time.  But in the right environment...Like the lake on a holiday weekend with alcohol involved, he's always the life of the party...

The group of hotties he is yelling at off camera were a classy group of middle-aged women wearing bathing suits they outgrew in 1974.  Older women seem to flock to Stan...Or, Angus Young.

So, that evening after we had gotten back to the campsite, we all decided to grill hamburgers.  For some reason, we waited until it was dark to even light the charcoal, and considering it was around 8:30 or 9 by this time, we were all starving.  Adding hunger to the level of Stan's drunkenness was a dangerous combination.  The exchange went something like this:

"How does everybody want their burgers cooked?" -Random guy who's name escapes me.
"I want mine as soon as possible, I'm about to eat my arm off." -Stan
"Medium rare work?" -Random guy.
"Sure, whatever." -Stan.

Roughly one minute and forty seconds later...

"Ok, put it on a bun." -Stan
"Dude, it's not even close to being done.  I haven't even flipped it yet." -Random guy
"Well flip it, then give it to me.  I'm starving." -Stan
"Whatever you want, man." -Random guy

Now, we weren't all heartless friends watching this take place.  We tried to convince Stan it was a bad idea, but in his state, he was refusing to listen.  So, he consumed an entire burger that wasn't even brown on the OUTSIDE.  I'm not sure how he even got it down.

"Oh my God, this is delicious," he exclaimed over and over.  So, then it was the waiting game.

DJ, Stan, and I were all asleep in the tent and at around 3:00 in the morning, I woke up to the worst sounds of pain and agony I have ever heard...Coming from Stan's side of the tent.

"Ooooohhhhh.....Ahhhhhhhh.....Oh God, oh God....Oh God...."-Stan
"Dude, what is the matter with you?" -Me
"Ahhhhh....I don't know.....My stomach is killing me..." -Stan
"Are you gonna puke?" -Me
"Uhhhhhhhhh....I don't know....I don't know." -Stan
"Well...Get the hell out of here if you do." -Me
"You're a good friend, Zach." -DJ

After another minute or two, Stan got up and left the tent.  The next morning we asked him what happened, and he said he walked around vomiting every ten feet or so for a while.  Then, he sat in the boat to get some air before getting up to vomit some more.  In between the hysterical fits of laughter by DJ and I, Stan only had one thing to say.  As he so eloquently put it:

"Eating that burger was probably a bad idea."

Yeah...It was.


  1. The whole time I pictured the guy in the pictures with Adrienne who inspired the comment, "I don't know why, but he makes me laugh." I hope I'm correct in thinking that is Stan.

    You're a good storyteller, Zach. I smiled and excitedly scrolled down the entire time...except when I got to the gross hamburger part; felt pretty confident I knew where that was going.

    Look forward to next Friday!

  2. I love this story..and I love that video of Stan. And I love Stan, too. But I still can't believe y'all let him eat that burger...

  3. Thanks, Liza. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yes, that is the same Stan. And Lensey...If you read close enough, we didn't LET him eat it...We tried to tell him it was a bad idea. But, like a stubborn little kid, sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes. Since he didn't get stricken with a severe case of food poisoning, I think we made the right decision because we now have something hilarious to laugh about.